I wrote this beginning after I had a dream about it. I might carry on; depends how good the comments are! Title needs revising, please state in your comments. Hope you enjoy it!
It was happy.
The leaves tumbled down, gliding through the cold breeze, bejeweling the ground with ruby and gold. The narrow walkway stretched into the low sun distance. Trees lined the way with twisted trunks and bare, reaching fingers; beautiful, yet eerie.
High pitched giggles broke through the silent autumn air. A child ran up the path, her feet dragging through the leaves making a joyful cracking sound. Her pigtails swung merrily down her back, her cheeks rosy.
“Hey! Michelle! Wait up!” a boy called after her, then ran, his laughter mingling with hers.
When they got to the end of the path Michelle stopped, gasping for breath through her chuckles. Eventually the boy caught up with her, stumbling slightly so as he wouldn’t knock her over.
Their laughter slowly subsided.
“You’re such a slow coach, Charlie!”
“You got a head start!”
“I did not.”
“You did too!”
And so it went on, laughter plaguing the end of every sentence.
Then Charlie looked solemn. He turned to face her, looking right at her- right through her.
He took both of her hands in his and smiled at her.
“Mich, we’ve been friends for years right?”
“7 years and counting.”
She laughed. He didn’t.
Michelle looked at him, slightly confused, her head cocked to one side.
“There’s something I need to tell you, Mich. I-”
“Hey, Michelle, where’s your boyfriend?”
Michelle turned to see where the sneering voice was coming from, and the spell was broken.
The winter ice came so suddenly, it slammed the air out of her. The wind bit at her arms and the leaves and trees were dead and bare.
“Go on then, Michelle, where’s your boyfriend?”
She turned slightly to look around. Charlie was nowhere to be seen.
Where was he?
Tears filled her eyes as she remembered everything...
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Woozy:
If it's okay I will PM you some titles I thought of while reading this story.
Hi.
Thankyou for all your comments! I will definately take them on board.
As I'm carrying on the story can anyone think of any tiles for it? It would be greatly appreiciated!
Woozey x
I agree with what everyone else has said. Your characters are very life-like, and the descriptive words you use make the story even better. Can't wait to read more.
You could easily put a comma after leaves.
Try to make this sentence more fluent.
As isn't needed in this sentence.
Leave out the then.
Spell out numbers.
Perfect ending! It makes the reader want to read more.
The only other thing I would suggest is to add a little description at the end. Instead of telling what happens, show it.
I have just noticed that I put
Not when she did, so please leave that out in your comments. Also, the lines between the sentences, that's the site, not me. I trust you to use your common sense to separate the paragraphs.Sorry for the inconvienience!
Woozey